Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time someone votes for Romney/Ryan, an elderly, minority, lesbian veteran gets punched in the uterus. 

   A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   not the same in person.

   not even supposed to be here today

   Trump University's Most Popular Majors: 1) Lying. 2) Cheating. 3) Stealing.

   got gas earlier for $1.39!!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...

   anxiously waiting on my picture of the person i'm going to be supporting under the new obama care health insurance.

   playing Russian roulette with an automatic pistol

   I guess that extra day of black history month was to much for some monkees

   give Tiger and Jesse a break. Obama is screwing the whole country

   Obama isn't Jimmy Carter bad, he's worse, he's James Buchanan bad.

   defying society's law of average.

   Unless someone want's to share, I'm staying single because all the good ones have been taken.

   You chose tragic love story I choose avoiding preventable tragedies

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   I'm just a guy searching for a reason to get off the couch.

   JAB, Well, through the laws of averages, I've lived past my expiration date. . .

   I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.

   I only have a problem with control when I'm not in it.