Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone complains about facebook making changes, what they really mean is, "I just barely learned how to turn on my computer this year."

   Wat if I were Nike n You were McDonalds?? Obviously, I'd be 'Doing It' n You'd be 'Lovin It'..

   Solution to the health insurance problem. Change the title from Obama care to trump care and trump will want to keep it.

   What's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? A whale eating your trainer!

   Make her the center of your world. Put her on a pedestal. Bend her over on said pedestal and pound her hard until she speaks in tongues.

   I have no problem with cesarean scars because ultra tight v@gina.

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   A good man will send flowers to your office. The perfect man will come to your office, close the blinds and pluck your flower.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to flirt and hopefully get laid.

   dazed and confused but liking it...

   having an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

   in your extended dreams

   A president with a MYSPACE?!?! WOW should we really trust this guy?..

   sometimes wishes that life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

   Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   Bad friends are like my cum. Sometimes they get in your face. Sometimes they won't get out of your hair....and sometimes they're all up in your a$$!

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver

   If a police ever stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   11 year old found on plane heading to Rome. Seems the Pope was ordering some take out!