Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand

   Aug 1st- today is the beginning of my 12 step program. Step one, get another beer!

   If all roads were straight forward, we'd fall asleep on the wheel.

   My orange phone contract needs to hurry up and end soon - my backup paper cups and string are starting to wear out.

   There are two things a HUMANS can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.

   Every since he started "CHECKING IN" on Facebook, Waldo hasn't been that hard to find.

   Poking on Facebook is a way of saying, "I think you are cute and I like you BUT I am a coward"

   Somehow, I don't know how, Obama gave Trump covid-19!

   The Michigan fans are worse than the Hillary Clinton's supporters on whining when they lose.

   Hi Honey, Can you pick up a six pack of bud, and a taco Bill on your way back from the March....ry

   Cant wait till tomorrow so the Mexican hookers go back to work.

   Trump supporters like me are so poor, we have to create a g-mail account just so we can eat the spam.

   In Trump's America, reading is for dummies. Watch more TV.

   Republican Marriages: To avoid temptation, Mike Pence won't dine alone with women. To avoid temptation, Melania Trump lives in New York.

   Hey Bernie and Joe don’t need advice from two old guys wearing Depends. We need TP....

   Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"

   When she suddenly stop singing while she's bathing, just know she's washing her P*ssy

   Paul Manafort's shell company was called Summerbreeze. I guess that's just more proof that he's been a giant douche-bag all along!

   The bad news is: An Alligator swallowed your child. The good news is: We're gonna comp you Free Family passes to Disneyworld

   GOP Convention Speakers: 1) Donald Trump's kids. 2) Donald Trump's wife. 3) Donald Trump's grandma. 4) Donald Trump's barber.