Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someone call social services,,,Man city abused man utd

   People keep telling me I'm a dinosaur because I still use a landline telephone. I've been wanting to get rid of it for a good while now but It's really hard because it matches my abacus.

   Why are Halloween costumes so skanky??? Sorry Christmas, "ho ho ho" is now a more appropriate greeting for Halloween...

   There's a serial killer in the house! NORMAL PEOPLE: "Call the police, let's get out of here!" IN MOVIES: "Let's go find him!"

   They say real woman have curves. Well then... the woman sitting in front of me at the theatre is a real, real, real, real, real, real woman.

   I always skip a few slices of bread as a quality control measure in a loaf. This step is to insure freshness.

   u can try to get over me but you never will.

   wants a Phd in Sarcasm !!

   Just got some Tiger's Blood. Thanks Charlie!

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   Bad things come In 3's. First the earthquake, then the hurricane, then the zombies..

   Just watched the MTV VMA's. Was it just me or did Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars look like brothers?

   I've missed you so much, I've dreamt about you night after night. I can't believe I've lived without you, I know we will be together soon....Just 3 more days till college football!

   at least the Notre Dame crowd Evacuated Like A Champion Yesterday

   why is there always, that one person in the group that wants to be a kiss ass! The one, when someone ask "is there any questions" (2 min before its time to go) they wanna ask a question. In your mind all you thinking is "this biotch"!

   I dont need to see the video of what happended on 9/11. I remember it like it was yesterday.

   If you don't want a parking ticket, put your wipers on high.

   Excellent time to become a missing person.

   wearing plastic gloves to prevent any computer viruses