Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Gotta have a little sadness occasionally so you know when the good times come. Waiting on the good times now.

   Time is precious, waste it wisely.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

   Elon Musk has offered to buy CNN+ for $50.00

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)

   Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.

   No, I’m being nice. I’ll be happy to show you the difference.

   Justice Alito’s (draft) decision isn’t a ruling on anything other than Fed Overreach.

   Asked the produce guy if I could try a grape. He said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   Far more deadly than any gun is the human brain. Will they make brains illegal soon? Some of you don’t need to worry about that.

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Did you notice that gender reveal parties disappeared? Now we wait and let the kindergarten teachers decide.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   Sometimes, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.