Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh My God and WTF: Why The Face

   So, I just txt'd my mom that the baby might have a black eye tomorrow. Her response? "What does the other baby look like?"

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   I feel a need to apologize. My wife just got back from Wal Mart and apparently, she bought it all. I'm very sorry for any problems this may cause other shoppers...

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm should bring Charlie Sheen's mind back.

   Wishes there was a national "Free Domino's Day"

   So I'm seeing this girl right? And.........ah who am I kidding....im gonna go masturbate!!

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   getting a beer out of the fridge when the wife walked in naked and said "Say something dirty to me"......I said "The dishes"...hahaha WINNING!!!

   I often want to pull up along side some moron talking / texting on their cell phone and ask them if they would drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up their a**, sideways.

   America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

   At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

   I would love to become Facebook friends with a hooker because I bet the status updates would be very interesting if they were honest, like, "Lindsey just made $300 in 15 minutes."

   Whoever likes mondays; raise your left hand. Good, now use your right hand to slap yourself in the face, stupid.

   Skippy recalls peanut butter because Bacteria was found in peanut butter distributed in Illinois..... And in other news Skippy announces the world wide release today of it's new peanut butter with "active cultures"

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio...now go clean them and make me a sandwich on your way back...

   Temper is what gets most of us into trouble... Pride is what keeps us there.

   feels sorry for all those gangsters in "408", now they're going to have to get their tattoos redone to "669"

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   refuses to see a doctor whose office plants have died.