Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This just in, Paul the octopus is dead. Paul was "asked" if Farve was going to stay retired. Witnesses report that Paul changed color's rapidly, vibrated slightly and then exploded.

   wants a snuggie made out of shamwows

   fell asleep at the wheel while driving...started dreaming of the same road that I was on...except I was in a different car..thank god I was dreaming in real time.

   First they say that the Constitution guarantees privacy and then they send your Report card to your parents.

   Enjoy life and don't think about it. There's nothing we can do but have fun with what time we have.

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto " ;D

   put a dyslexic joke on FB. Unfortunately, I have some dyslexic friends. I never heard the den of it from them!

   "Hi, I have a liberal arts degree. Would you like fries with that?"

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   what do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A Crazy Beotch that will find you wherever you go!

   my daughter asked my wife if I loved her, mommys responses was, "yes dear, daddy loves everyone...he is on prozac"

   The new FIFA12 is full of bugs... I tried to make a substitution, but Carlos Tevez wouldn't come on..!

   I'm not the kind of guy who will be an a**hole for no apparent reason. But if you cross me and give me enough reason, I'll make your life a living hell.

   Have you ever deleted a "friend?" If so, what was your rationale?

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   It Pisses Me Off when people come in my room & don't close the door when they get out.

   I thought I was special until I saw you are now friends with me and 29 other people :(

   so gangsta I dont even use umbrellas when it rains!

   The TSA found what they where looking for in that 95 year old's diaper. Their brains.

   just asked what he felt the moment he pulled the trigger and killed Bin Ladin. His answer was "Recoil"