Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.

   4 20

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!

   If you could do a do over, would you?

   Lou Dobbs, where is Whakhulaaaah Mexico?

   I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat

   Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

   I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.

   I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.

   I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window. I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this." I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window. There i

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.