Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   time to take out the vibrator. Need my neck and shoulders to start feeling better. What did you think I was going to use it for?

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Advice for the Day: Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast

   i may be fat but I'm perfectly good at it, boobs on my chest but I like the look of it, fruit and veg may thin my legs, but chips and dips excite me.

   Irish I was drunk right now..

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   thinks that if I were to become a cannibal, I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I think this is gonna burn. Makes you wonder... can nipples burn from disinfectant?

   As I took it to my lips to taste, my mouth was suddenly overflowing with a creamy filling, my tongue licking as much as I could as fast as I could… God, I love cream donuts

   Advice of the day for women: Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as you buy him a few drinks first. ;)

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   So technically you are not supposed to EAT meat on Fridays but is it okay to just swallow it?

   I always call out my boyfriend's name during sex..... Just to make sure he's not around.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.