Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"

   I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.

   Worst possible life moment.... Driving down the interstate, a few miles past the "next exit 80 miles" sign, and you realize you have a sudden onset of diahrrea

   I got a phone call saying "Excuse me, do you know for sure that you've been saved by the Lord?" I said "Why, has he told you something?"

   I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated

   When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

   when life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmanade!

   I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up

   Women like saying "I'm not short, I'm fun sized", so I tell them the same thing in bed.

   If snitches get stitches.. You can call me Scarface

   if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place.

   Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realise that i'm good at being drunk!

   WORK is AWESOME!! It's the only way to get constantly screwed 5 days in a row without the fear of pregnancy or disease.. Just saying..

   there are plenty of fish in the sea, ya just gotta wiggle your worm!

   INSTALLING SPRING... ████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 33% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again

   justin bieber said he was having a baby. Usher was like OMG. Katy Perry set off fireworks. Bruno Mars thoght they were grenades. Eminem was like I'm not afraid. Jason Derulo said Whatcha Say? Then Nelly said it was only just a dream.

   a stranger in a strange land. And that land is Denny's at 3am on a weekend.

   I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson reads his lines in all CAPS.

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.