Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no way I could possibly be lactose intolerrant!! I love B( o )( o )BS!!!

   So Lindsey Lohan wants to go by one name now. I got one for her~~~Defendant

   If you can't say anything nice.....we're probably related.

   Wonder if the government is going to issue fuel stamps to the needy, I need to be on that program.

   Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

   was talking with my neighbor when we saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said "Are you going to help?" I said No, six should be enough.

   I'm feeling a bit scrappy and chivalrous today. kinda like the fox Sir Didymus in The Labyrinth. Where is Ambrosius my trusty steed?..RJ..

   ■Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wings, they continue to fly…on a broomstick. They're flexible that way. ツ

   How do you really get to Sesame Street?

   What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a BJ.

   I love living in a big city!! There are sooo many more people to yell at!!

   Remember, if you took all the parking meters downtown and laid them end-to-end, you'd be in jail faster than you can say, "Guinness Book of World Records"

   Dear Fox News, So far no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

   A nice way to fire people is by throwing them a surprise going away party.

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   When I was young, pop and lock described the way I liked to dance. Now, it describes what happens to my knees when I stand up.

   I just saved a bunch of money on therapy by switching to Dolly Parton music!!

   Happy Wife = Happy Life

   I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the hell out of me. So that's it, after today... no more reading.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.