Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a bumber sticker that said "Jesus Saves"...he must know where to find the cheapest gas.

   Went fishing today and was fairly successful. Caught 2 pounds of tilapia, using $13 cash for bait.

   There was this annoying guy at a movie. So I thought to myself..." what would jesus do " .....So I started the guy on fire.

   Friends with benefits = awesome! Uncles with benefits = creepy!

   Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?

   every fight is a food fight.......when your a cannibal.

   Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck

   my mixes are tighter than your skinny jeans kid.

   I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper

   If it's free, it's advice; If you pay for it, it's counseling; If you can use either one, it's a miracle !

   A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

   I found out it was really hot outside by actually venturing out there. WTF Facebook? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.

   'Glee' actually isn't half bad. It's 3/4 bad.

   Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation, do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

   The SCHOOL part of school sucks. I just like the social part.

   He's actually dyslexic. He is trying to say 'His Pen is so big'

   msg me if your up for cleaning my apartment. I pay in Oreo's btw.. :D (can't guarantee the cream wont be licked off)

   I just went through the "10 items or less" line with 12 items...THUG LIFE

   Your boyfriend is such a playa, when he sends you a text message on your phone it goes to the ''games'' folder.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980