Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Charlie Sheen's stand-up material is so bad that CBS wants him back as an actor AND writer on Two & A Half Men

   there are 7 dwarves so that would be 6 out of 7 aint happy

   With all these people "checking in" at every place they go to, I'm thinking Facebook is a probation officer as well as a social networking site.

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I've run out of vodka. One of the two

   Happy Humpday ...........hump like a camel and get down and dirty like frog nuts!

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.

   we often spend so much of money on buying clothes but never realize that some of the best moment in life is enjoyed without cloths!

   President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

   Noticed that the radiation has given me superpowers just like in the comic books. I can now see through glass, levitate birds, clone half of myself and posses the strength of a human.

   I had no idea my woman had 61 boyfriends before me, but she must have. I just wish she wouldn't refer to me as her sixty-second lover.

   Music these days confuses me. I mean, are there really that many people out there throwing grenades at girls? I wasn't aware that this was an issue.

   Sheryl Crow has a cookbook out called "If It Makes You Healthy..." The complete title should be "If It Makes You Healthy...Then Why The Hell Does It Taste So Bland..."

   Your so vain you probably think this post is about you

   "I'm gonna name a beer called responsibly, so the other companies advertise for me ... "Drink Responsibly"

   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

   If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

   This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

   A rather scary statistic, 42% of Americans think the "little magic man in the sky", otherwise known as god, has a direct hand in causing natural disasters.....idiots!

   Stabbin' it with my Steely knives, But I just. Can't. Kill. The. Beast.

   When I was a kid I thought there was nothing cooler than riding in a limousine, but as I got older I realized you could also do drugs in a limousine...