Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my wife said she let a sbd go in church I said she needed new batteries for her hearing aid.

   facebook needs a facelift!

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   so gangsta I dont even use umbrellas when it rains!

   so hardcore I bought 1 newspaper and took 2! now what!

   I never make the same mistake twice.....I make it 5 or 6 times just to be sure.

   If I dont fall asleep soon I'm going to jump off this 5 story books..

   Just tried to make a sweet & adorable YouTube video of my cats, but the project fell apart due to creative differences

   Moms are really very clever!! within the first 10 minutes of visitng her, she read my mind better than I ever read it myself! I could never be a real man just like my own mother.. love you mom!! :-)

   definition of the day: Kia....You mess with my women I kia

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   bumped into this cat at the gas station this morning getting coffee and he told me "Asalamalakum." I told him "I also like the Lakers!"

   I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.

   Girl scout cookies just came, no time for Facebook!

   Why don't Barbie and Ken have any kids? Answer: Because Ken came in another box.

   Can't believe Monica Lewinsky is already 38, seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees

   Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

   Gonna ride a two person bike around campus by myself until I make a friend.

   The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.

   Charlie Sheen's stand-up material is so bad that CBS wants him back as an actor AND writer on Two & A Half Men