Snotty Funny Status Messages

   One small step for man... One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   Dyslexics better do it.

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.