Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.

   Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the truth comes out.

   You should donate blood, all of it.

   Got kicked out of the secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes, but then someone wished that we couldn’t.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   When battle music plays during the game, but you can’t find the enemy.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   When the internet collectively bullies the “Ministry of Truth” to the point it’s dissolved before even starting. I am so proud of this community.

   I’m lost, better turn down the radio so I can see better.

   It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?