Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   Global warming won't kill us. The zombie apocalypse is a different story.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes, but then someone wished that we couldn’t.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   We used to pay for ringtones, but now if your phone makes any noise, you’re 100 years old.

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   When battle music plays during the game, but you can’t find the enemy.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   When the internet collectively bullies the “Ministry of Truth” to the point it’s dissolved before even starting. I am so proud of this community.

   I’m lost, better turn down the radio so I can see better.

   It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   The more money you make, the more it costs to make it.

   My walls are full of cotton candy!

   Cat ~ I showed you my butthole, please respond.