XX-FOXY Funny Status Messages

   Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have Bluetooth, you could not take selfies on it or send any text messages... Even worse! When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive!

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?

   I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

   I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption"

   If a girl stabs you with a knife on the first date… How many days should you wait to ask her out again???

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Landline phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 11

   If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent, polite and well-mannered that we only look at the remaining 10% that is covered..

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"

   Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during bad times… To know who our best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album…

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...