MTQ Funny Status Messages

   $ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   One of my first jobs job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   ‎2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.

   Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   I'm sick of all this Wiccan stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they're still food stamps.

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.