Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   How many rounds of the vaccine do you need before you can stop wearing the tinfoil hat?

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   When you get married, wouldn't it make more sense for the groom's mother to walk the bride down the aisle? That way you would have the woman that brought you into this world and the woman that will take you out of it.

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   Donald Trump....make America orange again.

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.