Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...

   If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you!" I couldn't believe it... you do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return...

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Cough, Through, Though, Rough... none of these words rhyme. But for some reason, Pony and Bologna do...

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?