Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.