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X I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
X The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
X I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?
X Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.
X Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!
X What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?
X If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.
X I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
X I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.
X I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.
X The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
X You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
X Quick, how do you wrap a broom?
X Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.
X I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.
X Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.
X When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.
X I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
X With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.
X How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?