Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.