Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.