Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.