Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.