Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 02:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:09 Comments (0)  




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