Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.