Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   I’m not here to fit into your world, I’m here to build my own world.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.

   Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.