Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.

   Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   dude, where's my government

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.