Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.

   Our childhood didn't prepare us for the amount of time we were going to say F^CK as adults

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   My patience is basically like a Gift Card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

   The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Blacks comprise 13% of the US population. The exception being daytime TV court shows. Then it's 99%.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.

   My favourite part of Football is when they feed the players water like they’re Hamsters

   hooray! you are the 99th person to view this message. Press command + w (or ctrl+w) to earn your prize :)

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Kids, beer is low in vitamins so it's important to drink lots of them.