Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?
←Rate | 08-10-2018 11:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?
←Rate | 08-10-2018 10:51 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now
←Rate | 08-10-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 15:08 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”
←Rate | 08-09-2018 14:08 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 13:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 10:05 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!
←Rate | 08-09-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 07:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 02:26 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''
←Rate | 08-09-2018 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you know who I think I'am?
←Rate | 08-09-2018 00:31 Comments (0)  

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