paulb808 Funny Status Messages

   I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   could it be? Is that water you are walking on? Oh wait, that is just your sh!t hole, sorry about that... thought you were someone who could judge others..

   took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again..

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.

   sometimes I think something and I'm like, "that would be a good Facebook Status update." This is not one of those.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."

   thinks that Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While On Vacation" is right on schedule so far.

   just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.

   thinks the bad thing about having kids is that they are ALL morning people.

   doesn't allow men to smoke in his room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   so turns out you CAN use lemon juice to get goats blood off of the curtains

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic