Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.