lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 04:10 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
←Rate | 06-04-2010 14:00 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.
←Rate | 05-19-2010 20:13 by Lemonpillow Comments (3)  

   messageicon My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.
←Rate | 02-02-2011 13:54 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.
←Rate | 04-11-2010 08:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
←Rate | 09-27-2010 12:13 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
←Rate | 02-25-2010 13:23 by Lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.
←Rate | 04-10-2012 07:34 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.
←Rate | 01-30-2010 14:23 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.
←Rate | 04-22-2010 05:01 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
←Rate | 09-07-2010 13:25 by lemonpillow Comments (3)  

   messageicon People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.
←Rate | 08-29-2010 08:44 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
←Rate | 07-25-2010 10:01 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure
←Rate | 04-15-2010 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.
←Rate | 03-07-2010 03:27 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
←Rate | 07-09-2010 01:57 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  

   messageicon Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.
←Rate | 01-30-2010 20:54 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
←Rate | 02-13-2010 15:18 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.
←Rate | 10-20-2010 15:14 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation
←Rate | 11-11-2010 14:33 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  

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