Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.