Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
←Rate | 06-04-2010 14:00 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.
←Rate | 05-19-2010 20:13 by Lemonpillow Comments (3)  

   messageicon Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open
←Rate | 11-14-2010 11:48 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.
←Rate | 04-21-2010 09:41 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.
←Rate | 04-11-2010 08:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
←Rate | 06-02-2010 14:08 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
←Rate | 09-27-2010 12:13 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.
←Rate | 04-22-2010 05:01 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.
←Rate | 01-30-2010 14:23 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.
←Rate | 04-10-2012 07:34 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.
←Rate | 03-03-2010 12:48 by Lemonpillow Comments (3)  

   messageicon I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.
←Rate | 04-08-2010 08:26 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..
←Rate | 03-27-2010 17:10 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.
←Rate | 02-01-2011 19:16 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
←Rate | 10-31-2009 11:18 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between divorce and legal seperation is that legal seperation gives a husband time to hide his money.
←Rate | 02-22-2010 13:11 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.
←Rate | 02-02-2011 13:54 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
←Rate | 07-25-2010 10:01 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure
←Rate | 04-15-2010 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.
←Rate | 10-20-2010 15:14 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

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