Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Comedy Awards is on tonight, don't know what category it would be in but the Rebecca Black video needs to be nominated for SOMETHING!

   Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......

   Tiger's best 18 holes since Elin found out about the other 18 holes he was playing...

   April Fools' Day was the worst day ever to have a heart attack

   Never say never...Unless someone asks if you're going to see the new Justin Bieber film

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass

   Friends don't let friends get tagged in pictures which can cause breakups.

   My internet is so slow today that it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

   My sister came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   I don't give a crap, But If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to

   Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. 40 people died

   You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   BOB THE BUILDER CAN WE FIX IT! Bob: ummm not right now I'm on facebook

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible

   Dealing with haters is all about mind over matter. I don't mind cuz you don't matter.

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

   Dear girls who take pictures in the bathroom, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you..sincerely.. Dont forget to tag me