Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.

   My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.

   My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

   I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

   I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

   Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

   Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

   Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

   Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

   I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

   Do you work for subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.

   Hmmm.. That's weird... I was the 100,000 visitor yesterday too... Winning streak!