Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?

   The last fight me and my wife had was whether Tommy Boy was an Awesome Movie or Super Awesome Movie!!!!!

   Do you believe in magic? Yes? Want to go up to my room and make some?

   To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.

   The two most popular smells in the old west...gunsmoke and horse $hit!!!!!

   never lied to you much when it really mattered.

   You can learn al ot from cartoons. He-Man always taught us you can solve problem by using a sword.

   why is it called PMS? Cause mad cow was already taken.

   just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...

   Vegeterian- ancient tribal name for man that can't hunt.

   America: Where children are on leashes and pit bulls roam the streets

   Just saw an advertisement for Farmville that said "Sheep breeding is here." Is there something going on in there that I should be concerned about?

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Being hungover is like eating a hot pocket. It starts off well and then you spend the rest of the night in the bathroom wondering how much crap can really come out.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   I have had enough, I am not here for your pleasure any longer, you encourage me to turn you on, just so you can heat me up for a few minutes. So it is over..you are being shut down,,unplugged, concider your fuse blown... God I love turning off the furnace

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.