Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook needs a facelift!

   my wife said she let a sbd go in church I said she needed new batteries for her hearing aid.

   apparently on NBC, first word of bin Laden's death pre-empted the final few minutes of Sunday's East Coast airing of the Trump-hosted reality show, Celebrity Apprentice. "This begs the question: How do we kill bin Laden again NEXT Sunday?"

   I just wanted Apple to know that I am still waiting for my iToilet.

   running for the phone charger like it's the end of the world

   I got their girl going down like the ps3 network!

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   the only thing your "pajama jeans" match is your "sketcher's shape-ups"

   Latest survey's shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population

   fruit of the day: kumquat.

   I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here.

   tired of trying to be perfect, and has decided instead to try to just be herself, in hopes that one day, just maybe, that will be enough. Besides, everyone else is already taken.

   Relax. Let the world turn without your help. Don't try so hard to be in control of everything.

   Chris Schwarzenegger should be less concerned with the collapsed lung and more with the fact that his family has a replacement standing by.

   I like to meet the parents drunk so they don't get the wrong idea of what kind of guy I am.

   wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.

   Having high standards increases your quality of life and decreases the bullsh*t in your life!

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   Hey what's your sign, "Pyrex", ...........I was a test tube baby.:)

   I like my men how I like my kit Kat - chunky