Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Love how yall ladies enjoy that show "Snapped" stories about women who go crazy on their men..So I decided I'm gonna create a show for men its gonna be called "She Just Wouldn't Shut-the-f*ck-Up

   A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

   - I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips bring my groceries in.

   - As a driver I hate pedestrains, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   - The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   A bird in the hand~~~is the best way to eat chicken.

   - I wish Google Maps had an "Aviod Ghetto" routing option.

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   i wanted to go smoke pot, so I told my mom I was getting tutored. she asked what time I would be back, I told her learning doesn't have a curfew

   you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

   Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

   this day is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter