Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!

   So umm.....Friday. I've been waiting for a while now wondering watcha waiting for?? Rebecca is not gonna introduce you every week now c'mon!

   If you are a proud owner or planning on purchasing one of those hippy mobile Smart cars, I have some friendly advice for you.....OMG...F-OFF!!!!

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."

   Science ignores any facts that disprove evolution. Nothing scientific about that!

   The iPhone- checks my facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   You know you're high when you look in the mirror ..and your reflection is Charlie Sheen!

   I was just thinking, what if car bumpers were filled with candy so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piñata. " Sorry 'bout the crash, but look free candy!!!"

   science makes more sense than a person(christ) pretending to be a magician...

   Mark Zuckerburg(sp) needs to stay out of politics . I just lost a lot of respect for him .

   So you're telling me there used to be nothing. Then all of the sudden their was an explosion (how did you have an ignition source let alone a combustable?) and you say that's what started the universe? How is you have a hard time believing in Christ?

   Man, I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   People will always have an opinion about you. Whether positive or negative. They will tell you to your face or behind your back. Do what makes you happy. Live your life to the fullest. Life is too short to worry about someone's opinions.

   We were not created! We evolved! Religion is for people who can't comprehend such a thing.

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!

   Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.