Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not pretty being easy.

   If I had a hammer, I'd most likely b!tch about my lack of nails.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   why are they called bag ladies, they always have carts

   OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

   i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.

   It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

   Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.

   I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.

   When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix

   Why waste money on a shrink when I can just watch the dog whisperer and get cured for free.

   I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!

   All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!