Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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trying to decide if I has an attitude problem today, or not. 
's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting
My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.
leather good's maker Louis Vuitton rejecting Lindsay Lohan's request for logo embroidered muzzle ; whips & fanny pack
Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.
wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...
I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.
Do the people on Take Me Out actually maintain a relationship?
I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.
my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.
GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........
High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.
This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go
A nap is a nap if you take your pants off. 