Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining.

   A lipbite can be sexy, unless you're bitting your upper lip. Wonder how many people just tried that.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   You had me at "life is total B.S."

   I can get a women very excited just by using my mouth. I say stuff like "shopping..new shoes babies.!!

   Am I the only one who thinks McDonald's should only get their beef from Macau?

   on double secret probation through the end of the year!

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   living each day as if it were his last: The cashier at Krispy Kreame knows him by name.

   leather good's maker Louis Vuitton rejecting Lindsay Lohan's request for logo embroidered muzzle ; whips & fanny pack

   Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.

   wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...

   I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.

   Do the people on Take Me Out actually maintain a relationship?

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(