Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4943 of 6446

"It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.
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01-18-2020 22:11 by Starman
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I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.
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01-22-2020 15:54 by Fazzy
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Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.
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02-22-2020 09:28 by Fazzy
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I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.
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03-15-2020 07:07 by Fazzy
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I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

With the coronavirus I imagine they'll be a lot people staying home for Saint Patrick's Day, like a lot of Irish people normally do on I wannabe Irish night.
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03-17-2020 10:46
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I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.
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03-18-2020 12:23 by Fazzy
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Home quarantine going great so far but not sure what day it is or what hour it is and I’m not really sure where I parked.
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03-24-2020 20:24 by Otis
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I judge people based on their email address.
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03-30-2020 10:12
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If it was called a "rebsite" Elmer Fudd would pronounce it correctly.
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03-31-2020 21:19
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When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.
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04-08-2020 06:57
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Toxic people be like “Enjoy your day” after they just ruined it
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04-23-2020 21:25
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A Man's Take On Marriage: An arrangement where you're owned by someone else, yet don't actually own anything yourself.
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04-29-2020 12:41
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Trying to figure how I know people from their profile picture is making excepting friendships harder and harder with all these masks.
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05-03-2020 17:15 by Moon
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Think I've spent half the time I've been staying home due to the Coronavirus just scrolling looking for something to watch on Netflix.
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05-10-2020 23:04 by Moon
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I'm almost to the point of thinking that the only thing that can unite us is a Netflix show about a gay zoo owner, with a platinum blonde mullet.

For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.
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04-18-2018 20:19
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I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage
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04-19-2018 02:23
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I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.
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04-21-2018 08:58
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