Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 22:11 by Starman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.
←Rate | 01-22-2020 15:54 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.
←Rate | 02-01-2020 22:34 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.
←Rate | 02-22-2020 09:28 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.
←Rate | 03-15-2020 07:07 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.
←Rate | 03-17-2020 00:48 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the coronavirus I imagine they'll be a lot people staying home for Saint Patrick's Day, like a lot of Irish people normally do on I wannabe Irish night.
←Rate | 03-17-2020 10:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.
←Rate | 03-18-2020 12:23 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Home quarantine going great so far but not sure what day it is or what hour it is and I’m not really sure where I parked.
←Rate | 03-24-2020 20:24 by Otis Comments (0)  


   messageicon I judge people based on their email address.
←Rate | 03-30-2020 10:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it was called a "rebsite" Elmer Fudd would pronounce it correctly.
←Rate | 03-31-2020 21:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.
←Rate | 04-08-2020 06:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Toxic people be like “Enjoy your day” after they just ruined it
←Rate | 04-23-2020 21:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A Man's Take On Marriage: An arrangement where you're owned by someone else, yet don't actually own anything yourself.
←Rate | 04-29-2020 12:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to figure how I know people from their profile picture is making excepting friendships harder and harder with all these masks.
←Rate | 05-03-2020 17:15 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Think I've spent half the time I've been staying home due to the Coronavirus just scrolling looking for something to watch on Netflix.
←Rate | 05-10-2020 23:04 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm almost to the point of thinking that the only thing that can unite us is a Netflix show about a gay zoo owner, with a platinum blonde mullet.
←Rate | 06-04-2020 19:12 by BIGTOE0311 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 20:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.
←Rate | 04-21-2018 08:58 Comments (0)  




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