Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; at least you're not the guy at Instagram whose work is to search for and delete all the Nude pics

   OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life

   The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.

   "If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.

   It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.

   Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.

   I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...

   Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run"

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

   My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys

   Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?

   I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.

   my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.