Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   With the coronavirus I imagine they'll be a lot people staying home for Saint Patrick's Day, like a lot of Irish people normally do on I wannabe Irish night.

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   Home quarantine going great so far but not sure what day it is or what hour it is and I’m not really sure where I parked.

   I judge people based on their email address.

   If it was called a "rebsite" Elmer Fudd would pronounce it correctly.

   When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.

   Toxic people be like “Enjoy your day” after they just ruined it

   A Man's Take On Marriage: An arrangement where you're owned by someone else, yet don't actually own anything yourself.

   Trying to figure how I know people from their profile picture is making excepting friendships harder and harder with all these masks.

   Think I've spent half the time I've been staying home due to the Coronavirus just scrolling looking for something to watch on Netflix.

   I'm almost to the point of thinking that the only thing that can unite us is a Netflix show about a gay zoo owner, with a platinum blonde mullet.

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.