Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.