Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..

   Feeling like a movie tonight....I think I'll watch Fast and Furious 6 and then maybe half of 7

   Not since the OJ chase has American been disappointed with a slow white bronco

   Me? Behave? Seriously... As a child I saw Tarzan strolling naked. Cinderella arrived home after midnight. Pinocchio told lies. Aladdin was a thief. Batman drove over 200 miles an hour. Snow White lived in a house with 7 men. It's not my fault!

   Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....

   While watching him give a speech on TV, I increased the brightness but it didn't work.

   "Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879

   Lots of Catholics are crazy upset about Lennay Kekua being fake. Wait'll they find out about Jesus.

   Sorry I shot your minivan, but it's hunting season and it had antlers.

   When Lady Gaga logs onto her computer it says ...... "You've got mail........genitals!!!!"

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   A. B. C. D. E. F. G. Someone should've told you not to fu ck with me

   hmm..could the bill be that bad..starting to wonder if its the bill or is it just Mr Obama they dont like..

   While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Sleepy Joe accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”

   Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

   Dear, Sheep. Bear in mind that the medical health experts sounding the alarms concerning how we handle this epidemic, are the same people who can't figure out whether eggs are good or bad for you.

   You can tell that this is a rough situation for Tiger Woods and that it has him really tee'd off. I hope he gets a grip soon and irons everything out.

   doesn't believe "meat curtain" is an appropriate reference for a woaman's parts. But he has to admit, an Arby's "Big Montana" bears a striking resembelance.

   Man who walks through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.