Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I shot your minivan, but it's hunting season and it had antlers.

   When Lady Gaga logs onto her computer it says ...... "You've got mail........genitals!!!!"

   love Independence Day! But it pales in comparison to my Dependence Day, that is the day I decided to depend on God and not myself. Talk about true freedom!

   A. B. C. D. E. F. G. Someone should've told you not to fu ck with me

   hmm..could the bill be that bad..starting to wonder if its the bill or is it just Mr Obama they dont like..

   While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Sleepy Joe accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”

   Dear, Sheep. Bear in mind that the medical health experts sounding the alarms concerning how we handle this epidemic, are the same people who can't figure out whether eggs are good or bad for you.

   Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

   You can tell that this is a rough situation for Tiger Woods and that it has him really tee'd off. I hope he gets a grip soon and irons everything out.

   doesn't believe "meat curtain" is an appropriate reference for a woaman's parts. But he has to admit, an Arby's "Big Montana" bears a striking resembelance.

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   Man who walks through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

   My dog can lick his own balls. Seriously, I don't care how many times he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.

   wondering why a whole damn airplane isn't made out of the same material as the undestroyable black box?

   "Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please."

   Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to midget."

   All the problems in out country right now and our President is playing more golf than Tiger Woods!!! FML.

   Be patient girls, Cinderella didn't find her Prince Charming till the end.

   Have you ever seen a Duck eat a Tiger? Watch ESPN Monday night.....

   what a lame bar...the drinks are weak, the mucis sucks, and all the women are like "I'm busy", "What do you want?", or "this is pottery class, sir!"...jeeze...