Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   On Fathers day, we thank our dads for our moms. On Mothers day, we thank our mama for not swallowing us.

   If you have a mom or wife that is an awesome mother don't post it here....get ur lazy ass up and go tell her in person!!

   Dear Jason Aldean. If I wanted to listen to rap I would have turned another station besides Country. Pull your pants so I can't see your underwear and let it go.

   Mother's Day, the celebration after those three little words..."I am late."

   People should stop arguing about ps3 and. Xbox. We all know the best system is was and always will be the nintendo 64!

   I love the look of sad laker fans! D-rose is the new league superstar, go sit down Kobe!

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.

   that awkward moment when your sisters new boyfriend is sitting on the porch and doesn't realize my WHOLE family was watching him when he wiped his booger on the front porch!

   Dear mom, You may have seen me naked when I was a baby, but that was 15 years ago. Sincerely, please learn to knock.

   A big thankyou goes out to the inventors of texting on cell phones and social networks like Twitter! Teaching women to say what they really mean in 140 characters or less! Something men have been trying to teach them to do since the cave man.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Music is my drugs, Youtube is my DEALER, VEVO are the COPS

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   HAPPY HOT MAMA DAY... to all the MILFs out there! :)

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?