Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless you’re a monkey, you need not worry about Monkeypox.

   Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   From now on, we’ll be referring to Corona Virus as Kung-Flu or Sweet and Sour Sicken.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.

   Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the truth comes out.

   You should donate blood, all of it.

   Got kicked out of the secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.