Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

   It’s impossible to plug in my genderless extension cord.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.

   Unless you’re a monkey, you need not worry about Monkeypox.

   Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   From now on, we’ll be referring to Corona Virus as Kung-Flu or Sweet and Sour Sicken.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.