Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort

   I feel lSH*T ...you know the way those people felt when The Dave Matthews band emptied their RV's septic tank

   The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

   You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.

   Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you

   ever have the feeling someone is watching you? I guess it doesn't help that I'm looking into this mirror.

   stop analyzing, criticizing, you should realize what I am & start epitomizing.

   You can't find me cause I'm lost in the music.

   I 'm trapped in a maze, therefore I am a-maze-ing.

   I'd like to see Chaz Bono go to DC teach a few Democrats how to be a man.

   I don't want a broken heart because I'll lose the pieces.

   My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

   I always had a peculiar sense of direction ,I just never knew where it would take me.

   Whatever you do...don't eat the cheesy fish tacos.

   I told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs, and her booty is why God invented my balls.

   Alcohol kills slowly...So what? Who's in a hurry?

   I shall be the first person ever to step foot on the sun. Now, I know exactly what's going through your mind, but I got it all figured out - I'm going at night