Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but then there's some that were clearly thrown at the wall

   everybody makes mistakes.... just ask your parents!

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said!!

   I love Swamp people...."choot em, hurry choot em"

   Dear Kobe Bryant, Would you like some cheese with that whine....sincerely Steve Nash

   Toilet was stolen out of City Hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on!

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell GOT IT then run away.

   Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.

   I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   I wonder what happened to that guy from the 90's who sang that song about barely breathing. I hope he's OK!

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

   This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   It's all fun and games until you know there's candy involved... then it gets SERIOUS! :)

   Its not me, its you. I just don't think it's going to work between us. You're boring, tasteless, and I can't stop cheating on you. I know you're my right choice, but we can't continue! TO: DIET FROM: ME

   I whisper freaky things in my girls ear while she is sitting infront of the family................ And I must say, It turns her on lol

   Girl: "Age is just a number." Guy: "Yeah? And jail is just a room."

   a girl takes dress to the dyrcleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says come again, Girl blushes and says no this time its yogurt!!!