Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's no wonder I am claustrophobic.I like fresh air, open space & my head out of my a$$....Unlike slow drivers in the fast lane driving w/the blinker on for miles :(

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   Well, I'd like to help… but not as much as I'd like not to

   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

   how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

   That uneasy moment when someone is getting accused and taking some heat for something you did.

   I just discovered that if you slap the word "phobia" next to any other word, you can be afraid of pretty much anything.

   I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.

   DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   putting the fun back in funeral

   how badass would it be if USA came out in Mighty Duck's jerseys?

   I hate it when am standing at the back of the queue and someone asks me "is this the end of the queue? no it's not, it's the front and today we have decided to queue facing backwards

   .I only ever go where I'm needed, and by needed I mean go where the cookies are.

   The only thing worse than having to sit through countless worthless commercials is remembering that you're watching a recorded program but not until after watching back to back menopause commercials.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   for lent, I'm giving up fat sticking to my body!!

   An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you will love it!"