Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.

   DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   putting the fun back in funeral

   how badass would it be if USA came out in Mighty Duck's jerseys?

   I hate it when am standing at the back of the queue and someone asks me "is this the end of the queue? no it's not, it's the front and today we have decided to queue facing backwards

   .I only ever go where I'm needed, and by needed I mean go where the cookies are.

   The only thing worse than having to sit through countless worthless commercials is remembering that you're watching a recorded program but not until after watching back to back menopause commercials.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   for lent, I'm giving up fat sticking to my body!!

   An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you will love it!"

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter!

   So you need some excitement in her life? Go buy a pet hippo or badger. Problem solved!

   As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

   looking fo a site where I can find old as well as new friends and maybe see some pics of what they look like now. Any ideas?

   just when I thought Roethlessberger couldn't look anymore like a douche he goes and proves me wrong by shaving his beard....

   noticed that Mick Jager and Hugh Hefner sure are looking alot these days

   The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time!