Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   switched to an electric car but then my electric bill went up......

   just named the skidmarks in my underware"Maria"!.Its kinda like diahrea,but its dried up and the same old crap!

   Height of tension:Obama updated his status on Facebook "Osama is dead."Justice has been done,after a few minutes Obama gets a notification "Osama has liked your status ".

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   I'm glad won first place at the tournment. But somehow being know as "County Cornhole Champion" doesn't sound all that great.

   Expect the Best, be prepared for the Worst, F$%k what others think & do your own thing!

   Why is paracetamol white?......... because it works.

   Just found out, Microsoft bought skype for $$8.5Mil??? Idiots !!!! I knw Bill Gates has the money, but that fool could have downloaded it for freee !!

   I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!

   I DONT HAVE ANY TEQUILA... BUT THERE'S NO REASON you CANT STILL LICK, SUCK AND SWALLOW

   REALLY don't know what this flys problem is outside smackin up against my window..but I'm sorry...I won't let him in, I don't trust strangers...