Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   Obeying the stay at home order, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. In the basement I found my kid's old Speak and Spell, which I immediately mailed to the white house.

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   If Kamala is such a ho, why can't I find any nude pics of her on the internet, unlike a certain someone I know?

   Lets party like a White Guy who thinks he's black and has some black friends but most of his friends are white!!

   Now matter how old you are, No matter how much you think you're a Badass.. If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!

   spitting in your general direction

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!

   So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future?

   If a real fat man grabs you & throws you in a bag don't panic it's just santa collecting his ho's. I'm updating this in the bag. Bring alcohol!

   My South Beach diet says no alcohol: I figure it like this wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, Gin is made from juniper berries and beer and whiskey are also made out of wholesome grains. Got to be healthy, bottoms up!

   I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.

   2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

   I often wonder if the passive-aggressive Facebook status updates of others are aimed at me.

   Dear FB users, quit using lower case i's and quit putting them right in front (with no space) of the next consonant....it's not cute anymore.

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   Opportunity knocks but once... if Opportunity knocks twice...Opportunity walks in and steals your TV set

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up