Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   There's a further south than South America?

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.

   I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   Roman Catholic dietary law classified aquatic mammals as fish rather than meat. therefore, you are free to eat beaver on Good Friday.

   Why did Wisconsin Supreme Court change to the Dems? I think I'm going to kill myself.

   If you drive by my house and see a bunch of kids scooping dog poop, mind your business. They're on a field trip

   I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

   If your feeling like Charlie Sheen, go and brush your shoulders off

   Proposed her indirectly,but she rejected directly!!!!

   wish I can do , what CAL LIGHTMAN can ;-)