Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes calling Ketchup, "meatloaf hot fudge".

   *girl look's at her moms drivers license* Girl: Mom, I know why dad left you! mom: Oh yeah, why? Girl: Because you got an F in sex.

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.

   Netanyahu's wife needs to give Michelle Obama a tee shirt that reads, "Don't you wish your husband could be a man like mine?"

   wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...

   rael, I will trade my Obama for your Netanyahu and I will even throw in Joe Biden if you want him........

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   Chris Brown: If you had only used Whips & Chains, instead of Sticks & Stones, you may have avoided jail time...

   thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer

   I smell bacon.....I smell pork! Run little piggies cuz I got a fork!